Field trip cancelled; local man cries foul

Dozens of area schoolchildren awoke to soul-crushing disappointment this morning when it was revealed that a planned field trip to a local pumpkin patch had been cancelled unexpectedly.

Citing wet conditions and winds of more than 25 miles per hour, officials at the Early Learning Center informed parent chaperones that the trip would be rescheduled for next Wednesday afternoon, weather permitting.

However, at least one parent suspected that there was more than weather driving the decision.

"They asked for chaperones, and I volunteered with no questions asked," said Ray Anderson, who had been scheduled to accompany the group. "I gave up my morning coffee at Sjolinds to be there on time. I even showered this morning. And what do they do? Reschedule at the last minute for a day when I can't go along. This is discrimination, plain and simple. They don't want me to be seen with those children because my father was one-eighth Naz Perce. I was gonna write a story about this, for chrissakes."

School officials denied that discrimination played any part in the decision, and extended an invitation for Anderson to join his son's class for lunch in the school cafeteria to make up for what one called "his bizzarro hurt feelings."

"That guy just always strikes me as kind of an odd duck," said the administrator, who asked not to be identified. "He has a bald spot in his beard. He comes in here looking like he just got out of bed. And the other day, I said 'good morning' to him and he responded, 'what's so fucking good about it, jackass?' He just flat out makes me nervous."

At press time, Anderson had not decided whether he would accept the school's lunch offer.

"What, give them a chance to slip me a Mickey and tie me up in the janitor's closet? I wasn't born yesterday," Anderson said. "They're not fooling me. But I don't think I have any bread in the house, so I just might do it."