Bacon is the physical embodiment of the devil. It is wicked temptation cloaked in the ostensibly harmless form of cured meat. Ultimately, there is absolutely nothing redemptive about bacon.
Bacon is defined by the USDA as "the cured belly of a swine carcass." Once fully cooked, it languishes in a pool of foul, stinking grease in your frying pan, shriveled and disfigured. There is little, if any, benefit gained from actually consuming it.
And yet, who can resist it? The smell of frying bacon is an intoxicating, smoky amalgam of primitive scents which inexplicably draw in anyone near its source. I have watched the eyes of dedicated vegans glaze with unabashed lust at the first whiff of this malevolent porcine bouquet.
Placed on the family table, it is the one morsel which will always cause furious bickering over who is entitled to the last scrap remaining on the greasy paper towel on which it is inevitably served.
Humans, the highest order, battling over charred bits of "swine carcass." This crude tableau would seem at home in the pages of Dante's "Inferno," or as evidence that the End of Days is indeed at hand.
Believe what you will. But I believe Satan truly is among us, lurking in the precooked meats section of your local supermarket.
Beware his indescribably delicious power!
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2 comments:
You deserve a raise simply for using these three words in a row:
"malevolent porcine bouquet"
That is pure genius, man.
(and I feel exactly the same way about processed cheese, but there's no way you'll see me admitting it PUBLICLY.)
I used to bring a plastic baggie full of bacon to our neighborhood pool as a snack.
What, like there's something WRONG with that?
Haters.
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