Our topic today is cheese. Not to promote stereotypes, but I do live in Wisconsin, so this is something I know just a wee bit about.
Cheese-Related Item #1: Cheese, Chuck E.
For those who were wondering, last night's birthday bachannal at this greasy little kid emporium was not nearly as arduous as I had expected. And frankly, that's a little disappointing, in that it was going to be my whole rant here today. Alas, the kids behaved (dosing them with Benadryl before hand paid tremendous dividends.....I kid, people. I kid,) and we only dumped about $20 on stupid games. Still, the food was disgusting and those animatronic performing animals give me the creeps, so I don't think we'll be returning any time soon. Like I have any say in that.
Cheese-Related Item #2: Cheese, Consumption of.
This is America's Dairyland, and one quick glance at the majority of the populace here will confirm it. 90% of the state's population could stand to lose at least ten pounds, and I surely include myself in that number.
My pal Durango Kev relocated to Colorado from Wisconsin 7 years ago as part of a fairly dramatic overall lifestyle change. In an attempt to shed some of his telltale Wisconsin physique, he made a simple decision. Rather than pursuing any exhaustive or restrictive dieting schemes, he simply went cold turkey on the cheese (talk about mixing your metaphors.) The result? Ten pounds lighter and cholesterol down in less than a year. That's simply by cutting out cheese (and also reducing milk somewhat) and increasing his exercise regimen just a tad.
I'll happily piggyback on anyone's success, so I decided, what the hell? I'll give that a shot.
Know what? I live in Wisconsin, and therefore it could not be done. The omnipresence and evil lure of the stuff made it damn near impossible. Order a sandwich in a restaurant. Waitress asks, "Would you like CHEESE on there, hon?" She's cute, she's offering. I have to say yes. I'm a people pleaser! Kids won't drink milk. Gotta have their dairy, says the pediatrician. What's a good alternative? String cheese, of course. It's in the house; in fact, in the fridge next to the beer. Howza! Can't pass up string cheese and beer; what, you think I'm from ILLINOIS, for chrissakes? Christmas Day at sis' house, four hours 'til dinner. Time to set out the appetizers. You guessed it. Cheese cubes, cheese quesedillas, hell there might've even been cheese fondue for all I can remember. Bring me a bib, and a bucket!
And did I mention that, to me, pizza is like heroin? I'd ingest it directly into my veins if I could.
So, the point, if in fact there is one, is that cheese is a powerful dark lord, not to be underestimated. But also, that I am a completely undisciplined cheesehead...or cheeseGUT....and therefore, this was one of the lamest ideas I've had in awhile. Besides agreeing to stay home and take care of my kids.
6 comments:
Cheese curds are the devil. Anything that actually squeaks at me when I bite it makes my naval tweezel.
I inhale pizza like it's the last thing I will ever eat. Pair that with a beer and seriously you just might become my lifetime hero. Ask my husband. He is from Texas and insists if it's not fried it's not edible. I kid, but really give me a chicken fried steak and frosty mug of my favorite domestic (because I'm a girl like that) and I might just stay forever.
Finally, I finish this weird, inexplicable novel by telling you that I wouldn't hate you if you weren't kidding about the Benadryl, I'd be sympathetic and I liken Chuck E. Cheese to a casino for kids. Glazed over eyes, little early smoker voices croaking at you that their playing that machine, move on. It scares the shit out of me.
A day without cheese is like a day without..., without...,ah shit, I don't know what its like, but its bad, BAD, man! A pizza without cheese would be worthless, potato skins w/o the same; again, worthless. I am always slightly suspicious of lactose intolerant people - its just unnatural to not be able to eat cheese, isn't it?
I am glad to hear that the dreaded Chuck E. Cheese excursion went peacefully - I WAS a little concerned for your well being yesterday! Alas for your subject rant!
The first thing we did when we got down here was buy four blocks of cheese. Not joking. Well, three blocks and one package of processed. In fact, I'm eating cheese right now. WAIT, I FORGOT ABOUT THE STRING CHEESE! We bought that too. So that's one cheddar, one colby, one havarti, one kraft slices, and more than one (but I don't know how many) packages of string cheese.
You can take the girls out of Wisconsin....
Happy to hear the excursion to Chuck E. Cheese was relatively painless - I know what you mean about the "blog-letdown." I took my notebook and pen last Sat to take notes about the little monsters, expecting a juicy rant to post. I was relieved it was so much more pleasant, but a wee bit disappointed. Proof that writers are masochists, huh?
Loved the cheese story. I've never even been east of Oklahoma but I'm a slave to all things dairy ... milk, cheese, eggs, ice cream ... yum!
Favorite 3 a.m. habit (when the dog's gotta go out to pee) is an icy cold glass of milk.
Favorite anytime random snack, hunk of colby jack cheese.
I love cheese on eggs, chili, pasta, salad, crackers, I could go on and on ...
Ironically, I'm now leaving to go to the store - guess what I have to check my supply of before I go?
Man cannot live on cheese alone. But this woman would die without it. Which is why I switched to reduced fat. Lesser of two evils. I can eat twice as much of it now.
I know a girl that doesn't like cheese. She scrapes it off her pizza. She doesn't put it on sandwiches. I have no idea how we are friends.
I could never go cold turkey on cheese. Once I run out of cheese and milk, it's time to hit the store.
Post a Comment