I got yer "bathroom language" RIGHT HERE....

I'm surprised it took this long. I almost made it to the end of the year.

Alas, I'm finally enraged at Isaac's school, and in full, hit-the-mattresses belligerent dad mode.

Isaac is an intensely smart, hyper-sensitive 6-year old. While he has no qualms about speaking his mind, he is generally socially gracious and appropriate. Ours is an open and honest relationship. If he does something wrong, he comes clean. He has neither the inclination, nor really even the capacity, to tell lies at this point in his life.

His teacher loves him, and has had nothing but effusive praise for his intelligence and social skills.

Now I'm not so blinded with love for my firstborn that I cannot admit that he can be a wildass screaming hellion on wheels at times. But he is by no means a disciplinary problem. It is usually quite simple to correct his behaviour with a positive suggestion. He gets this.

So imagine my surprise yesterday when he came home with an unsigned form letter in his backpack, informing us in the haughtiest possible tone that he was being disciplined for using "bathroom language" in the lunchroom; and would we please discuss this with him, provide a list of 5 "appropriate topics" for lunchroom conversation, and sign and return the form.

Thus for whatever heinous filth he ostensibly spouted, he was held out of recess yesterday, and will be seated seperately from his friends at lunch today.

Problem is, Isaac has no idea what he said that was wrong. No one told him. They swooped upon him, told him he'd said "something nasty", and made him write his name on the form. And when he told me this, tears in his eyes, I instinctively knew he was telling me the truth.

I must have read the note over a half dozen times, trying to get a handle on it. In my mind, "bathroom language" runs the gamut from "washcloth" to "cocksucker". My guess is, somewhere in the middle; Isaac probably giggled and said something horrible like "poop" or "butt" and some overworked, overzealous lunchroom paraprofessional freaked out and decided to make an example of him.

But since the form is absolutely generic, and no one assumed responsibility for it, I can only assume that to be the case.

As for whose lofty standards he has officially defied, I do not know. Again, they did not tell me, and there is no documented guidance on the matter. I consulted the school district handbook, searching for some definition of "bathroom language" and the corresponding sub-section that lists the resultant mandatory minimum punishment. Alas, there was nothing there.

Did he say "shampoo," "nutsack," or "fuckwad"? Your guess is as good as mine.

After consulting with LSW, I crafted a moderately cheeky response on the back of the note, requesting a definition of "bathroom language." I also pointed out that the generic nature of the note made it difficult for me to really address the specifics of the offense.

I offered a suggestion that the lunchroom staff should really learn to lighten up, and noted that as a parent, I think the whole thing was handled very poorly on the part of mysterious, unnamed school personnel.

Additionally, I'll be joining Isaac for lunch today. And if anyone tries to tell me that we need to sit on the segregated "bad kid" side of the lunchroom, you will probably see me on the news tonight.

In handcuffs. Spouting easy-to-define "bathroom language."

"Get your motherf*cking hands off my godd*mn peanut butter sandwich before I rip off your head and sh*t down your neck, a**wipe!"