Free Speech effort could bring legal action

PODUNKY, WI (May 16) A local man may face charges in the wake of a disturbance this morning at the Podunky Early Learning Center.

Ray Anderson, a self-described "underemployed writer" led more than 50 kindergartners in an impromptu "Free Speech" march around school grounds-an activity not permitted under district guidelines.

Chanting "Poop, poop, butt, pee, all our speech needs to be free," Anderson marched the giggling group across the school playground three times before officers Skeeter Mayhew and Clyde DeBuskey, known collectively as the Podunky SWAT team, arrived and subdued him with tazers, pepper spray, and Snuffy, the unit's half-blind 17-year old K9 enforcement animal.

"We felt it was the only way for us to ensure the safety of those children," said Podunky Chief of Police Snuff Zuckerman. "That, and the boys have been getting itchy to try out them new tasers on someone other than each other. Whoo boy, that sucker looked like it hurt!"

While admitting that the suspect was unarmed during the incident, Zuckerman further defended the use of force by his officers, noting that Anderson has been known in the past to employ a rapier like wit and acid tongue.

"My boys mental well being was at stake right there," Zuckerman said. "That guy could've hurled a pun or epiphet at them, and how would they have defended themselves?"

Anderson was whisked away to an undisclosed Dane County Mental Health facility for evaluation. As he was being straitjacketed and placed into an ambulance, he was heard to shout, "I've got yer bathroom language right here, mother (expletives)."

A district official speculated that Anderson was responding to attempts by school staff to discipline his son, the notoriously potty-mouthed ringleader of a group of profanity-spewing "jackals" who had been, in the officials words, "burning up the ears of the innocent with their frequent use of bathroom language."

"Thou shalt not speak with thy tongue of the devil on these sacred grounds," said Phinneas Jebediah Brown, who has been the district's Dean of Standards for 28 years. "If thouest speaketh aloud of thine private bodily matters, thine tongue shall be besotten with stings as if of 1,000 wasps. It is longstanding district policy."

Zuckerman had scheduled a press conference and pot luck supper "up to the old Buechner place by the stop and go lights" later today to announce whether the village and district would pursue legal action against Anderson.

Anderson has not been a stranger to controversy since moving to Podunky in 2005. He was involved in a well-publicized scrape with a local dental office in November, has publicly disparaged God and the cable company, and took school officials to task following a cancelled field trip last fall.

"Here in Podunky we have a name for a fella like that, and that name is trouble," Zuckerman said. "I'm hoping the DA throws the book at this guy, or at least a heavy glass vase or big rock or something."